Presenting: The SNOT SUCKER.

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I’m back.

My apologies for being away for so long.  Life, family, the business, Corona Virus, and I’m pretty sure Russian interference, kept getting in the way of writing…and in the way of having fun, enjoying things, drinking too much, and all the stuff that makes us glad to be breathing.

However, a trip with my Type A Wife to visit yet another new grandchild from our wildly fertile daughter in Arizona this July has brought the need to bring certain things to your attention.

                                               You thought I was making this up?

Some background before I explain things.

My backstory includes multiple marriages to a fine array of questionable women, all of whom are angles…angles, I tell you. Not a single child was produced from those marriages, which probably tells you they all thought I was much more questionable than I thought they were.

This brings us back to balmy Arizona in July, and my complete lack of experience with children and more specifically: infants.  I mean, fresh out of the oven, squirmy tiny aliens. My lovely Type A Wife LOVES these little ones.  ‘Adore’ might be a better word.  Which you probably already guessed, since, why else would we purposefully travel to a climate that more closely resembles hell than earth?

This is one of the most interesting facets of my hard-driving, all-business, workaholic wife: she is astonishingly good at caring for and nurturing babies.  She goes crazy for them.

Frankly, they scare the bejesus out of me.

The daughter and wife thought I MUST hold this new addition to the family.  15 Seconds after placing her in my reluctant arms, the new mother got a look of extreme concern on her face and said, “Here, I’ll take her.”  Not surprisingly, I was not asked to hold her again.  You might as well casually ask me to hold a 2,500-year-old Ming vase.  I would be terrified I would drop it…and I am certainly going to hold it wrong.  Best to leave such things to the experts.

                                              Meet Claire Poppy- scary, right?


But to the point of this whole thing: One of the most interesting aspects of visiting new additions to the family is that the uninitiated (that's me) get exposed to a world totally different from the concerns centered around business, old-guy friends, cigars, cars, and an occasional whiskey.

Case in point:  The SNOTSUCKER.

This marvelous invention comes to us from Sweden (of course) where I am guessing they have a long tradition of sucking snot.  I will spare you the details of just how it works…but trust me, this is not for the faint of heart.  In the world of mothers that includes clipping a tongue because of being tongue-tied (yes, that is a real thing), breast pumps, and diaper blow-outs the Snotsucker stands as one of those new-born facts of life that has never come into my purview. And after we leave, I am hoping it never does again. 


To the mothers (including my daughter and Type A Wife) out there- you have my undying admiration.  I salute you…as soon as I put my cigar and whiskey down.

More soon.

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